"Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. "

I remember being about eight or nine years old, when I was in a local toyshop on a late Friday evening. It was about nine o clock, an October night - dark outside and of course the shop was closing. As the lights were turning off in the different sections of the shop, I could only hear the echoed voices of the staff throughout the building. It was like a warehouse, big and seeming quite empty. I didn't realize my mom was waiting for me at the front door, and despite it being many-a kids dream to be locked in a toyshop... I was deathly afraid of being locked in that store after hours....

My life right now is at a pivotal and absolutely (in)sane point. In a sense... I am now a teacher. A secondary school teacher. In a girls school. My transition from student to teacher has been a mere two years of missing lectures in college. Though its only a year of work-experience and though I'm not yet fully qualified, I'm still on my own in front of girls doing junior-cert, leaving-cert or else their best to upset me. Just twenty-one and only three years out of school, it feels crazy, maybe even a little fucked up. I remember looking at English teachers and wanting their jobs, (any substandard, unremarkable or poor English, or even just simple mistakes in grammar, reflects only on the sole reasoning that I'm not yet fully qualified in my English degree, and that my efforts thus far to do so has hitherto only resulted in hangovers, twenty four hour intoxication and/or being dumbed down by sixteen year-old girls who think that the only way somebody could possibly know all the months of the year in order, are those who have been to college... and these same girls are expected to write, at length, by the end of the year, on the recurring themes and images of the (in)famous "Romeo & Juliet"!!? But that's another story. Simply put, this is an apology, in advance for any uninvolving or mundane writing in this blog, whereas the content cant be predicted and only life is to blame if it is not worthwhile) and thinking about how much study had to be done to get the points, and of course how challenging, daunting and complicated college would be to get there and get through it. Now... to an extent I'm here, and it feels like nothing. Empty. Nihilism at its pinnacle. Deconstructions' own ironic definition (deconstruction is for later - probably after my PhD). Its like I just went with the system and it brought me here. I'm not saying I simply just walked into it, I had exams and interviews like everyone else. Its just that it feels like there was no bomb to diffuse or King to overthrow. It just feels like it was almost compulsory. The obligatory next step. I'm in such an amazing position with great opportunities. I Just wonder if whether I'm lucky, whether I deserve this or whether I just got drunk and woke up in an unfounded goldmine... but I'm not gonna go any further with the school stuff and all that right now...



I think life has dropped a mirror into the middle of my existence. I'm on the other side of where I was before. Where I learnt I now teach, when my parents drove me to friends houses I now drive them, xxxxSCENE -MiSSINGXXX and that toyshop I was so petrified of being in after hours!? well now I work there too, and spend most of my time actually being there after hours, and of course now I am also part of those echoed voices that I heard as a kid, I just wonder if anyone is listening like I did......



Yup. Life is pretty fucked up sometimes.

I like being fucked up...